Albuquerque

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  • Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the
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    stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the
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    street from Jerry’s Bait Shop… You know the place… Well anyway, back then
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  • life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy… except of course
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    for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me
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    a big old bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. Daaaaaaaouh! Big bowl of
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  • sauerkraut!
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    D---------------| Every single morning! It was driving me crazy. I said to
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    my mom, I said, “Hey mom, what’s up with all the sauerkraut?” And my dear
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    sweet mother she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train.
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  • And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, “It’s good for you!”
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    And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
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    and force-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty-six and a half
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  • years old. That’s when I swore that someday, someday I would get out of
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    that basement and travel to a magical far away place where the sun is
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    always shining and the air smells like warm root beer and the towels are
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  • oh so fluffy, where the shriners and the lepers play their ukulele’s all
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    day long and anyone on the street’ll gladly shave you’re back for a
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    nickel. Wakawakadoodoo yah! Well let me tell you people, that it wasn’t
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  • long at all before my dream came true because the very next day a local
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    radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number
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    of molecules in Leonard Neroy’s butt. I was off by three but I still won
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  • the grand prize. That’s right a first class one-way ticket, to
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    A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Ah yah, you know I never
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    been on a real airplane before and I gotta tell ya it was really great.
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  • Except that I had to ist between two large Albanian women with
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    excruciatingly severe body odour and the little kid in back of me kept
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    throwing up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper
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  • and salted peanuts and the in flight movie was "Biodome" with Polly Shore.
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    And oh yah three of the airplane's engines burned down and we went into a
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    tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant
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  • fireball and everybody died! Except for me. You know why? ‘Cause I had my
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    train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my
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    train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position, had my
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  • train table up, and my seat back in the full upright position. Ah ha ha
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    ha! Oh ha ha! Ahhhh. So I crawled from the twisted burnin’ wreckage, I
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    crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, dragging along my big
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  • leather suitcase, and my garment bag, and my tenor saxophone, and my
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    twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky lucky autographed glow in the dark
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    snorkel. But finally a arrived at the world famous “Albuquerque Holiday
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  • Inn”, where the towels are oh so fluffy, and you could eat you’re soup
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    right out of the ashtrays if you wanna, it’s OK their clean. Well I
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    checked into my room and I turned down the AC and I turned on the spectro
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  • vision and I was just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
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    that I love so very very much when suddenly there’s a knock on the door.
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    Well now who could that be? I say, “who is it?” No answer. “Who is it?”
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    There’s no answer. “Who is it!?” They’re not saying anything, so finally I
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  • go over and I open the door and just as I suspected, it’s some big fat
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    hermaphrodite with a flock of seagull’s haircut and only one nostril. Oh
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    man I hate it when I’m right. So anyway he burst into my room and grabbes
     
  • my lucky snorkel and I’m like “hey, you can’t have that! That snorkel has
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    been just like a snorkel to me.” And he’s like “tough” And I’m like “give
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    it.” And he’s like “make me.” And I’m like “k.” So I grabbed his leg and
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  • he grabbed my oesophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my
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    eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a valonic irrigation
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    yes indeed you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all the
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  • phone got knocked off the hook, and twenty seconds later I heard a
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    familiar voice, and you know what it said, I’ll tell you what it said, it
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    said, “if you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you
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  • need help hang up and then dial you’re operator. If you’d like to make a
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    call, please hang up and try again. If you need help hang up and then dial
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    you’re operator. In A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Well
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  • to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn
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    vow right then and there that I would rest, I would not sleep for an
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    instant until the one-nostriled man was brought to justice. But first I
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  • decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car and drove over to the donut
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    shop and I walked right up to the guy behind the counter and he says “yah,
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    wadaya want?”
    E-13--------11--------------11131618------------------1113-| it ain't per-
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  • I said, “ you got any glazed donuts?” He said, “naaa were all out of
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    glazed donuts.” I said, “well you got any jelly donuts?” He said, “naaa
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    were all out of jelly donuts.” I said, “you got any Bavarian cream-filled
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  • donuts?” He said, “naaa were all out of Bavarian cream-filled donuts.” I
     
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  • said, “you got any cinnamon rolls?” He said, “naaa were all out of
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    cinnamon rolls.” I said, “you got any apple fritters!?” He said, “naaa
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    were out of apple fritters.” I said, “you got any bear claws!!?” He said,
     
  • “wait a minute, I’ll go check.
     
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    Naaa were out of bear claws.” I said, “well in that case, in that case
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  • what do you have?” He said, “all I’ve got right now is this box of one
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  • dozen starving crazed weasels.”G------| I said, “OK I’ll take that.” So he
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    hands over the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they
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    immediately latch onto my face and start biting me all over ayiyi
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  • yiyiyiyi. Oh, oh man they were just going nuts! Their terin’ me apart. You
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    know I think it was just about that time that little ditty started goin’
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    through my head. I believe it went a little something like this.
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  • “Doooohgetemoffmegettemoffmeooogetemoffgettemoffoooohgetoooohgeooohoooahhh
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    hohhhiahhooohahahahhhohhhhh!” I ran out onto the street with these flesh
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    eating weasels all over my face, waiving my arms all around and just
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  • runnin’ and runnin’ and runnin’ like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck
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    would have it, that’s exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams, her
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    name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite
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  • and hair the colour of strange peaches. I’ll never forget the very first
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    thing she said to me, she said, “hey, you got weasels on your face.”
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    That’s when I knew it was true love, we were inseparable after that, oh we
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    ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-
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  • flavoured dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married and
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    we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and
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    Superfly. Oh we were so very very very happy, oh ya. But then one fateful
     
  • night Zelda said to me, she said, “Sweetie-pumpkin, do you want to join
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    the Columbia Record Club?” I said, “Wooooah hold on now baby, I’m
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    just not ready for that kind of a commitment.” So we broke up and I never
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  • saw her again but that’s just the way things go, . In A -
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    lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque!
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  • Anyway then things really started looking up for me, because about a week
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    later I finally achieved my life-long dream. That’s right I got me a part
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    time job at the “Sizzler.” I even made employee-of-the-month after I put
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  • out that grease-fire with my face. Oh ya everyone was pretty jealous of me
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    after that. I was getting lota attitude. OK like one time, I was out in
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    the parking lot trying to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when
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  • I see this guy Marty tryin’ to carry a big old sofa up the stairs all by
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    himself. So I-I say to him, I say, “hey, you want me to help you with
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    that? And Marty he just rolls his eyes and goes, “nooooo I want you to cut
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  • off my arms and legs with a chain saw.” So I did. And then he gets all
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    indignant on me, he’s like, “hey mad I was just being sarcastic.” Well
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    that’s just great, how was I supposed to know that? I’m not a mind reader
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  • for crying out loud. Besides now he’s got a really cute nickname “Torso
     
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    Boy”. D-------------------------------------------------------15-| So
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  • what’s he complaining about? Say that reminds me of another amusing
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    anecdote; this guy comes up to me on the street and tells me he hasn’t had
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    a bite in three days. Well I knew what he meant but just to be funny I
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  • took a big bite out of his jugular vein, and he’s yelling and screaming
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    and bleeding all over and I’m like, “hey come on don’t you get it?” But he
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    just kept rolling around on the sidewalk bleeding and screaming, YAHHHH!
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  • OHHHH! AHHHH! And I’m completely missing the irony of the whole situation,
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    man some people just can’t take a joke you know? Anyway, um… um… where was
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    I? Kinda lost my train of thought. Oh, uh, well oh okay anyway I know it’s
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  • a roundabout way of saying it but I guess the whole point I’m trying to
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    make is, I, HATE, SAURKROUT! That’s all I’m really trying to say, and by
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    the way if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an
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  • exsulstential quandary full of woeing and self doubt and wrapped with the
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    pain and isolation of you’re pitiful meaningless existence, at least even
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    take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this
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  • crazy old mixed up universe of ours, there’s still a little place, called
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    A - lbuquerque, A - lbuquerque! Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
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    Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
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  • Albuquerque, I say A, A, L, L, B, B, U, U… QUERQUE! QUERQUE!
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    Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
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    Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
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  • Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
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    Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
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    (Belch)
  • PLAY TOO ..
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Albuquerque
YANKOVIC WEIRD AL
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